About the book...COMMON THREADS
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COMMON THREADS - Nine Widows' Journeys Through Love, Loss & Healing Release date: 2/18/02 - Baywood Publishing - Hardcover cloth - 6"X9" - 192 pages - ISBN: 0-89503-264-3
In every chapter of Common Threads, the survivor will find an emotion, an event, an issue that is achingly familiar: the first holiday alone, driving alone, travelling alone, attending a wedding, handling money & bills, and crying out to a partner who is not there.
Each woman in the book found her own way of moving forward,
through nature, faith, sports, grief groups, work, dancing, reading, art, writing. Each
found her own passion, and that has become the cornerstone of her healing. The reader
watches the women change and redefine themselves.
The stories are gentle, yet resonating with inner strength. The reader learns how others have done it --- how they rode the roller coaster of feeling better, falling back, going forward again. The stories become a touchstone for a widow’s own experience, guideposts --- what to expect, what helped, what created more anguish.
As readers witness the resilience of the human spirit, they come to a new perspective on their own experiences. They begin to recognize all the good still in their lives.
Book Contents
Foreword: (shortened version)
My husband Richard Allen Kaimann died on January 24,1999, at the age of 61 years and 3 days.
Four months later, although I was beginning to function again, I was still deeply grieving and trying to adjust to the new "normal" of my life. Aware of time as never before, I knew that a long, empty summer lay before me. What would I do to fill the empty hours, to help the time pass? When the catalogue of summer courses arrived from a nearby college, surprisingly several classes attracted my attention. I signed up for two computer classes and a weeklong program in Renaissance art, history, and literature, and also a creative writing course....From the beginning, when my wound was fresh, I was in awe of the strength and vitality of my widowed friends. Somehow they were able to conduct their lives, work at their jobs, nurture their families, laugh, and have fun. They weren’t merely existing. They were truly living. How had they managed to find joy again? Would I ever be able to function so well?
I began to wonder about the common threads that sustain women in the face of great loss. Each situation was unique, but I sensed commonality as well. Each day more questions came to mind: Do people grieve in the same way? Is the impact of a sudden death different from a prolonged one? How do women cope, working their way out of despair? How do our physical bodies respond to grief? How much can we turn to children, family, and friends? How do we face holidays, weddings, and weekends? How do we take over all the responsibilities? Is a support group of value? When do we need professional help? Where do we find spiritual renewal?
Each woman’s story of loss and recovery has helped me in this difficult process of healing. I have often heard, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." My friends have been my guides and mentors. I am grateful for their stories and their wisdom...
...As I spoke with the women, I came to believe that we are all imbued with the essence of our loved ones. They inspire us, they encourage us, and at times they may even talk to us or guide us. When we allow for this possibility, our own serenity comes more easily.
We who have endured the death of a spouse, who smile and seek purpose and contentment every day, are the women who have embraced these last emotional and spiritual gifts from our husbands, as we go about building our new lives. At the beginning we struggled mightily to find some moments of happiness within our overwhelming sadness; over time, we allowed ourselves to experience the inevitable moments of sadness as we moved through our healing.
Somewhere along the way, we all strained very hard and heard a still, small voice, echoing the voices of our husbands as they offered us their final gifts, permission and encouragement to live the most fulfilling lives that we could. We knew we must not let them down.
"Thus, even when they are gone, the departed are with us…We remember them now; they live in our hearts; they are an abiding blessing."
---Gates of Prayer
Author's Note: "On September 11, 2001, shortly after the manuscript for Common Threads was completed, hundreds of women suddenly, tragically, shockingly lost their husbands. It is my dearest wish that these stories of women who have walked this difficult path will help the Widows of 9-11 and their families and friends to recognize their own resources and inner strength to rebuild their lives."
Chapter Summaries:
I. Hawaii, 1999
Describes the couple’s holiday in Hawaii, shared meals, beauty of the island; their last day; the dive; going to the hospital, learning of her husband’s death, making it through that day; the trip home, meeting a woman in the airport who brings her amazing help; coming home to Milwaukee, the logistics of a faraway death, the day of the funeral. The author’s reactions and stark, raw emotions. (Picture of the beach.)
II. A Gift of Apricots
New friend Sara visits author; story of her husband’s sudden death; her shock, depression, withdrawal, and slow, slow recovery; her careers and her running save her; she reaches out and brings author apricots … and compassion from the heart. (Recipe for Chicken with Apricots.)
III. Twenty-one Days
A snapshot of the author’s anguish three weeks after her husband’s death: going to dinner with a couple – the empty chair; the loneliness, the "meltdowns", efforts of friends to distract the author; crying out to empty house, "How can this BE?"
IV. Visitors and Voices
The first month. Mystical experiences: hearing husband’s voice, brief, significant messages; visit to sacrocranial massage therapist; visit from author’s deceased parents; a quiet Shabbat; despair.
V. Adam’s Chair
Naomi, widow for five years, proud of children and grandchildren; finds solace in synagogue Grief Group at synagogue; importance of friends, planning, exercise, humor; at Passover wrestles with "Who will sit in my husband’s chair?"
VI. A Week of Torment
May, 1999: autopsy report arrives from Hawaii. No heart attack! What then? Agony…and half-answers from friends, from a rabbi, and from a psychic. Learning to live with ambiguity.
VII. A Pair of Gloves
Eliana and Elliott’s 8-year battle with his cancer; diagnosis, treatments, 52 trips to Houston for medical treatment; hope, despair, detached doctors; painful death. Eliana could never cry; lengthy, deep depression, a misguided therapist; a pair of gloves leads her to seek proper treatment and healing.
VIII. Dinner for Ten
In May, I asked two of my friends over for dinner. The two grew into a dinner for ten women at author’s home; sudden death of author’s ex-husband, another funeral; her delight and sense of victory in having the dinner. (Recipe for Israeli chicken and noodle kugel.)
IX. The Hatchmatcher and the Rainbow
The story of Kay, devoted wife, businesswoman, consummate optimist, always resourceful, sensible; Doug, expert fly-fisherman. His buddies sprinkle Doug’s ashes in the Snake River – and an amazing double rainbow appears. (Photo of the men and the rainbow on that day.)
X. The Uprazer
The author, her sister-in-law and stepson go to the monument store; their emotions in this "bizarre bazaar" on such a mission. Author is guided to the right gravestone for Dick. (Photo of Peter the stone carver working on the stone.)
XI. Shari’s Secret Gardens
A home filled with bright, expressive artwork collected by Shari and Rex, a home filled with joy and love; beautiful gardens outside; Rex’s humor, even facing death; Shari’s resourcefulness in finding support groups, traveling, becoming more independent every day; dealing with on-going grief.
XII. Paulette’s Visit In July
Paulette, the author’s new friend from the airplane trip home comes to visit; "visits" from Dick; past-life regression by author; two mystical events: chimes that ring impossibly and a smiling face that appears on the computer.
XIII. To Catch the Fog
Rebeca, born in Mexico, married to Samuel, art collector, pilot, world traveler; Sam is on dialysis, needs kidney transplant, Rebeca donates her kidney. Operation successful but Sam contracts crytosporidium (deadly germ in city water supply) and dies a week after the surgery. Rebeca suffers guilt; eventually able to create new life for herself. (Recipe for Plum Torte.)
XIV. A Letter to My Husband
A tender letter on 6-month anniversary of husband’s death; her emotions on that day.
XV. Of Mice and (Wo)men
At last, comic relief! Of all the challenges, a live mouse in the house may be the most daunting. Frustration, fear, anger, resourcefulness – and a laugh or two. Pride in author’s ability to cope. Blank page invites reader to write his/her own Mouse Story. (Cartoon of large mouse standing over woman hiding under blankets.)
XVI. A Wedding in Jerusalem
Author’s trip to Switzerland with family and friend, traveling abroad without her husband; first wedding, weeping through the ceremony; tablemates leave author alone, breeze off to dance; "only 6 more days and I can go home."
XVII. In the Winepress
Hannah and Eric, both born in Germany, meet in Chicago, marry, have wonderful life, filled with love of God, Christ, and the church. Eric develops cancer, many pray for him, he outlives prognosis but dies; Hannah reads, gardens, golfs, goes to church, sings; does well for a year, then enters deep depression; helped by therapy. "We don’t know what we can do until we are in the winepress."
XVIII. Emit the Bear
Sue, who is the author’s ex-husband’s dearest love, finds in gardening and a teddy bear called The Listener. Her healing progresses when she takes the same bear to another woman in pain. Emit is "Time" (backwards); emet means Truth in Hebrew. After very long, solitary struggle with minimal support, she determines to expand her life.
XIX. One More Goodbye
November, 1999: The stone dedication and memorial service; an emotional day, taking mourners back ten months, bringing them closer to acceptance and closure.
Copy of the Memorial Service, written by stepson.
XXI. "Every day is a challenge."
Author looks at issues and challenges in her new life: resumption of normalcy, learning to avoid minefields of pain; facing loneliness at home; the first lunch out, the first shopping trip, the first holidays alone; meltdowns in the car, long weekends, religious events; managing the house; the wedding ring, his clothes. Life goes on for her. Beginning the journey back.
XXI. Common Threads
Where strength comes from: faith, spirituality, grandchildren, support groups, therapy, work, creativity, taking courses, network of friends, reclaiming talents and interests, finding a passion. Emotional growth, resilience, independence, maturity; living as the husbands would want them to live, fully and with joy. L’chaim.
About Diane Kaimann I Talk Points I Reviews I Order Book I Schedule Interview